Stoplight Zombies of the Digital Age

No..No..No..That’s not the name of a new Alternative Band

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Stoplight Zombies are an A.D.D-saturated, digitally re-mastered, new form of 21st century Life found everywhere on Earth (except perhaps the Australian Outback and the jungles of Africa).

Oops.

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These Digital Zombies have mutated to adapt to their environments – witness the Bar Zombies

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the Bro Zombies

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the Bra Zombies

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The Walking Zombies

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etc..etc..etc..

I could go on and on and on describing the many different adaptations of this new digitohominid, but there are way too many to list. I am limited to 100,000 words in this blog format.

Most of these mutants are relatively harmless. Sometimes they’ll spill a drink on themselves or walk face-first into a utility pole, but no one else suffers for their obliviosity.

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The Look of the Dead Fish: A Nick Alwaes Detective Novel by [Fountain, Jamie N]

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Not so with this digital dolt however. You know the one.

The STOPLIGHT ZOMBIE!!!

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Of course I don’t have to tell you about the Stoplight Zombies, because surprise surprise…………

YOU are one of THEM!!!

How do I know?

Easy..I was behind you at that stoplight this morning, so don’t try to deny it.

I saw your face in the reflection of your cellphone while you were power-scrolling through your Facebook and taking duckface selfies.

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You thought you could get away with it because you know this stoplight like the back of your hand. It’s a long one – almost two minutes. You always hope you don’t make this light because it gives you one more chance to get a good hit from that hand-held digital crackpipe..

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It felt good to escape from the world for just a minute or two, didn’t it?

You laughed at the pictures of Cats sitting in funny positions

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wondered whether you could pull off this recipe

then secretly hated yourself because you knew you couldn’t – and even if you did – it wouldn’t look anything like the video.

You quickly forgot about it because you read a very inspirational “You Go Grrrll!!” meme

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Then, just as you were preparing to see how many Likes you got from the selfie you took at the gym last night..HONKHONKHONKHONK..the guy behind you – it was ME – honks his horn and drags you right out of the Facebook vortex and back to reality.

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You dropped your phone in your lap, looked up and saw the light was green, wondered for a second how long it had been green, looked quickly in the rear view mirror to see if the person behind you was gonna go all road-rage on you and then hauled ass through the light.

You didn’t even care how many people didn’t make the light because of your inaction.

So thoughtless..

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I cursed you long after you were gone, even while I was stopped at the next stoplight checking my Instagram. My feed was packed with great content.

I had a total Phoner!

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..at least until the person in the car behind me honked their horn and killed my mojo.

I dropped my phone in my lap, looked up and saw the light was green, wondered for a second how long it had been green, looked quickly in the rear view mirror to see if the person behind me was gonna go all road-rage on me and then hauled ass through the light.

I didn’t even care how many people didn’t make the light because of my inaction.

I’m so thoughtless..

Because….

I’m a STOPLIGHT ZOMBIE TOO!!!

 

Here’s a fun little song parody for you to sing while you’re stuck at the next traffic light. Think Eleanor Rigby (righteous props to The Beatles) –

 

Ah, look at all the Stoplight Zombies

Ah, look at all the Stoplight Zombies

 

Digital Zombies, stare at their phones

while their stopped at the light

They know its not right

Checking their Facebook, until they hear

the loud sound of a horn

Were they watching Porn?

 

All the Stoplight Zombies

Where do they all come from?

All the Stoplight Zombies

Why can’t they move along?

 

Digital Zombies, tap out the words

Of dull Posts that no one will read

On their NewsFeed

Oh Shit it’s green now, you better wake up

And put your foot on the gas

You oblivious Ass!

 

All the Stoplight Zombies

Where do they all come from?

All the Stoplight Zombies

Why can’t they move along?

 

Ah, look at all the Stoplight Zombies

Ah, look at all the Stoplight Zombies

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The Ghost of Albert Henkelstam by [Fountain, Jamie N]

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Author: ThoughtMarauder

Cavalier, bomb-thrower, provocateur, neanderthal, father, proud US Army Airborne veteran, proud American, lover of many things: God, country, family, baseball, Scotch whiskey, cigars, old-school jazz, dogs, Sinatra, watches, shoes and sunshine..

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