Shitty by the Bay

The problem with governing by “Feelings” is that “Feelings” never End.

The consequences of “Feel Good” legislation are inevitable.

For example:

“It’s mean and cruel to hunt animals” so all Hunting is banned. The “Feels Good” people are happy. High Fives!

Consequences:

Animal populations inevitably explode. Animals cruelly starve to death because so many of them are competing for limited food resources. Animals invade human habitats in search of food. Pets are killed. Citizens are attacked.

Something must be done.

Hunting is re-instated and the Natural Order of Things is restored.

For example:

“The Police are cruel Fascist Nazis who murder the innocent and put the innocent in jail” so Police departments are dis-banded. Prisons are emptied. Laws are unnecessary because now everyone’s equal and full of Love for their Fellow Man! Kumbaya My Lord, Kumbaya! Utopia ensues!

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Consequences:

(Just kidding). Anarchy ensues. Murder, Rape, Theft, Chaos. The Law of the Jungle reigns. Survival of the Fittest is the new unwritten law.

Something must be done.

Policing is re-instated and the Natural Order of Things is restored.

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The Look of the Dead Fish: A Nick Alwaes Detective Novel by [Fountain, Jamie N]

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The “Feels Good” people should not be entrusted to run anything because A) they refuse to understand the Nature of Some People or B) they are incapable of understanding The Nature of Some People and C) faced with the failure of their own policies they are incapable of exercising the Will required to rectify the problem they caused.

When you offer a life of drug-using, food vouchering, tent-living street-leisure to Some People, you can bet that Some People will show up to take advantage of your offer. You can also bet they’re gonna tell their friends who are gonna tell their friends who are gonna tell their friends etc..etc..etc..

For example, this..

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SanFranciscoHomeless.jpg

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WELCOME-TO-SAN-FRANCISCO-POSTCARD-HOMELESS-SPOOF.jpg

Can you say Third World country? Talk about a Shithole!

Such a (once) beautiful town. It was immortalized in a song 40 years ago by a little band called Journey. It’s called Lights..

 

The ThoughtMarauder tinkered, er, uh, stinkered, with the lyrics a little bit to give it more of a modern feel..Please sing along!

When their pants go down in the City

And their poop stinks up the Bay

Pee Ew, The Mayor don’t care ‘bout my City

Pee Ew, Pee Ew, Pee Ew ew  ew

 

So you think it’s smelly

Hell, I’ve got some on my shoe

I want to get out of this Shithole by the Bay

Pee Ew,  Pee Ew,  Pee Ew ew ew

 

It’s bad, so gross, there are piles everywhere around me

It smells like a farm

Oh the flies, flies, flies, flies

Pee Ew, Pee Ew, Pee Ew ew ew

 

What a sad sad song..SMH

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The Ghost of Albert Henkelstam by [Fountain, Jamie N]

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Stoplight Zombies of the Digital Age

No..No..No..That’s not the name of a new Alternative Band

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Stoplight Zombies are an A.D.D-saturated, digitally re-mastered, new form of 21st century Life found everywhere on Earth (except perhaps the Australian Outback and the jungles of Africa).

Oops.

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These Digital Zombies have mutated to adapt to their environments – witness the Bar Zombies

company-of-young-people-is-looking-at-their-cellphones-in-the-bar_hmnfyifb__F0000.png

the Bro Zombies

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the Bra Zombies

girls-cellphones-sitting-outside

The Walking Zombies

group-of-people-walking-and-texting1

etc..etc..etc..

I could go on and on and on describing the many different adaptations of this new digitohominid, but there are way too many to list. I am limited to 100,000 words in this blog format.

Most of these mutants are relatively harmless. Sometimes they’ll spill a drink on themselves or walk face-first into a utility pole, but no one else suffers for their obliviosity.

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The Look of the Dead Fish: A Nick Alwaes Detective Novel by [Fountain, Jamie N]

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Not so with this digital dolt however. You know the one.

The STOPLIGHT ZOMBIE!!!

teen-texting-inline-3

Of course I don’t have to tell you about the Stoplight Zombies, because surprise surprise…………

YOU are one of THEM!!!

How do I know?

Easy..I was behind you at that stoplight this morning, so don’t try to deny it.

I saw your face in the reflection of your cellphone while you were power-scrolling through your Facebook and taking duckface selfies.

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You thought you could get away with it because you know this stoplight like the back of your hand. It’s a long one – almost two minutes. You always hope you don’t make this light because it gives you one more chance to get a good hit from that hand-held digital crackpipe..

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It felt good to escape from the world for just a minute or two, didn’t it?

You laughed at the pictures of Cats sitting in funny positions

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wondered whether you could pull off this recipe

then secretly hated yourself because you knew you couldn’t – and even if you did – it wouldn’t look anything like the video.

You quickly forgot about it because you read a very inspirational “You Go Grrrll!!” meme

582a8dc03bf9eef17efbedd207c0e7b3--princess-of-power-meme-meme

Then, just as you were preparing to see how many Likes you got from the selfie you took at the gym last night..HONKHONKHONKHONK..the guy behind you – it was ME – honks his horn and drags you right out of the Facebook vortex and back to reality.

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You dropped your phone in your lap, looked up and saw the light was green, wondered for a second how long it had been green, looked quickly in the rear view mirror to see if the person behind you was gonna go all road-rage on you and then hauled ass through the light.

You didn’t even care how many people didn’t make the light because of your inaction.

So thoughtless..

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I cursed you long after you were gone, even while I was stopped at the next stoplight checking my Instagram. My feed was packed with great content.

I had a total Phoner!

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..at least until the person in the car behind me honked their horn and killed my mojo.

I dropped my phone in my lap, looked up and saw the light was green, wondered for a second how long it had been green, looked quickly in the rear view mirror to see if the person behind me was gonna go all road-rage on me and then hauled ass through the light.

I didn’t even care how many people didn’t make the light because of my inaction.

I’m so thoughtless..

Because….

I’m a STOPLIGHT ZOMBIE TOO!!!

 

Here’s a fun little song parody for you to sing while you’re stuck at the next traffic light. Think Eleanor Rigby (righteous props to The Beatles) –

 

Ah, look at all the Stoplight Zombies

Ah, look at all the Stoplight Zombies

 

Digital Zombies, stare at their phones

while their stopped at the light

They know its not right

Checking their Facebook, until they hear

the loud sound of a horn

Were they watching Porn?

 

All the Stoplight Zombies

Where do they all come from?

All the Stoplight Zombies

Why can’t they move along?

 

Digital Zombies, tap out the words

Of dull Posts that no one will read

On their NewsFeed

Oh Shit it’s green now, you better wake up

And put your foot on the gas

You oblivious Ass!

 

All the Stoplight Zombies

Where do they all come from?

All the Stoplight Zombies

Why can’t they move along?

 

Ah, look at all the Stoplight Zombies

Ah, look at all the Stoplight Zombies

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The Ghost of Albert Henkelstam by [Fountain, Jamie N]

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Everybody was Cornhole Fighting…Those Hicks were Fast as Lightning…

 

I couldn’t watch this video without thinking of this classic song from 1974 by Carl Douglas entitled Kung Fu Fighting. Your favorite tonedeaf ThoughtMarauder has rearranged the lyrics to describe the unintentional hilarity above for your comic pleasure –

CornHole Fighting

Everybody was Cornhole fighting
Those hicks were fast as lightning
In fact it was a little bit frightening
But they fought with sloppy timing
They were chunky Georgia men from funky Douglas County
They were chopping them up and they were chopping them down
It’s an ancient RedNeck art and everybody knew their part
From a feint into a slip
and kicking from the hip
Everybody was Cornhole fighting
Those Hicks were fast as lightning
In fact it was a little bit frightening
But they fought with sloppy timing
There was flunky Billy Two-Chin and little Sammy Joe
He said here comes the big Hoss, let’s get it on
We took a bow and tossed that sand, started swinging with the hand
The sudden motion made me skip
now we’re into a brand knew trip
Everybody was Cornhole fighting
Those Hicks were fast as lightning
In fact it was a little bit frightening
But they did it with sloppy timing
Keep on, keep on, keep on, keep on
Everybody was Cornhole fighting
Those Hicks were fast as lightning
In fact it was a little bit frightening
Cornhole fighting, had to be fast as lightning

 

And as long as we’re on the subject of rampaging rednecks, let’s take a few minutes to reflect on the awesome firepower of The Kung-Fu Hillbilly..

 

Who says “Murican’s hain’t got no class..Hold my beer

Fear Not! The ThoughtMarauder hath Returned..eth? Oh whatever..

 

**Special Thanks to The In and Out Club**(hehe)

 

Oh ye of little Faith! You thought the ThoughtMarauder, your favorite Working-Class Nero, had abandoned you and was out piddling while America burned.

Well, you were right.

It’s customary for me to take a few months off in late Winter and early Spring so that I can visit my Mediterranean estates – a mix of business and pleasure. You’ll be pleased to know that my humble cottage in the south of France is in excellent condition

French Estate

the Yacht was updated

artemy-yacht-profile

and held up well under the superior guidance of Captain Jean-Louis Henry de Quoeif. Things were a little dicey as we neared Monte Carlo

Monte Carlo

but after that it was smooth sailing all the way to my estate on the Greek Island of Oikos

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The trip was fine, but as you all well know, lounging in the lap of luxury can become tiresome and dull very quickly (did I just say that?) so I raced back home as slowly as I could to pick up where I left off…

 

 

Now if I could just remember where I left off..

 

Drudge Headlines Re-Interpreted..

1) 2020 VISION? Michelle Obama to appear on ‘ELLEN’…

M.O. looks forward to performing a Walter Mondale impression circa 1984

 

2) Kansas intern confidentiality rule: What happens in lawmaker office stays there…

Grope-a-Dope

 

3) Man dies after sucked into MRI machine…

When the cure is worse than the disease

 

4) UPDATE: Wynn Fallout Ripples as Republicans Seek Distance…

Grope-a-Dope / Part Deux

 

5) Humanoid To Replace TV News Anchor…

Dan Rather returns

 

6) Red Lights Flashing for Republicans Before Midterms?

No

 

7) Kochs plot $400M blitz…

Soros plots $400m blitz…now we’re even and smart Americans will make informed choices like they always do

 

8) Half-ton of undelivered mail found in postman’s garage…

Sometimes the Postman doesn’t even ring once..

 

9) UPDATE: CA City Gets Ready For Universal Basic Income…

The ThoughtMarauder hates to say “I told you so,” but, “I told you so.”

 

10) INDIANS To Abandon Chief Wahoo Logo…

I hope the Cleveland Native Americans win the pennant this year..although I’m offended there are no actual “native americans” on the team..

 

11) APPLE value drops $45 billion in week on fears of X demand…

Uh-oh..down to our last $850 billion dollars..better cut wages

 

12) New ISIS Video Threatens USA: ‘Now Time to Rise, Slit Their Throats’…

7th century losers threatens 21st century winners with 7th century behavior

 

14) RIO RAUNCHY: Topless revelers take to streets in gear up for Carnival…

The ThoughtMarauder needs to check the veracity of this headline up close and in person..I’ll report back my findings in 3 weeks….maybe ;-7

**Originally Posted on 29 Jan 2018**

Now ain’t that some shit..

Did you ever have one of those days when you felt like the sky was falling?

Have you ever looked up to the heavens in search of some kind of answer regarding the meaning of life?

I don’t care if you went out to start your car this morning and discovered you had a flat tire, or if your boss yelled at you in front of the whole team, or someone stole your lunch right out of the refrigerator in the cafeteria or your cellphone battery died in mid-Text – your day was awesome compared to this lady’s:

http://www.sfgate.com/weird/article/India-airline-poop-meteor-asteroids-12515588.php#photo-14663021

“In 2016, a woman from Madhya Pradesh suffered a severe head injury after she was hit by a frozen football-sized chunk of frozen airline excrement, according to the International Business Times.”

#shitstorm #stinkbomb

**Originally Posted on 22 Jan 2018**

The Particularly Puzzling and Perplexing Case of the Pulchritudinous Purple Taco

The Purple Taco 1

Well, this is not a banner day for the ThoughtMarauder. I posted recently about what I believed to be Life’s Greatest Mystery.

The ThoughtMarauder is a big enough man to admit when he’s wrong. Apparently, the meaning behind the “Purple Taco” is even more mysterious (you must click the Link, otherwise this post is without contextualosity)

Purple Taco Graffiti Hard To Ignore In East Dallas

The Powers-That-Be (and even the ones That-Don’t-Be) are baffled by its meaning.

The Purple Taco 2

I’m prepared to toss my taco into the fuego and take a few guesses:

1) The perpetrator is clearly a male or female between the ages of 12 and 90.

2) It’s likely they live in East Dallas or somewhere within 100 miles of the city.

3) Purple is historically associated with Royalty

The Purple Crown

or with The Artist Formerly known as Prince.

Prince

The perpetrator clearly understands this and is trying to convey some kind of Regal message or tribute. (or it was the only color he could find? It could just as easily be the Red Taco or the Blue Taco, right?)

4) Why Tacos? Why not Chimichangas? or Flautas? Hmmm? Smells like Food Discrimination. Someone get Mexican Food Matters on the phone!

I deduce that this is either the start of the Great Cultural Revolution – Arm yourselves! To the ramparts!

or

Taco Bell has unleashed a genius underground marketing strategy. Look for the Purple Taco soon at a Taco Bell near you!

Feel free to offer your opinions about the perpetrator of this purple ate crime…

Now will someone please pass me the Pink Pepto…

Pepto Bismol

Exit Question: What exactly is Bismol? The mysteries keep piling up..

**Originally Posted on 8 Jan 2018**

 

2018 Predictions

President Trump is not impeached or indicted – Why? March on Washington D.C. by armed disenfranchised voters if so..

 

The “Russian Collusion” saga fades away – Why? The Deep State fears further exposure…

 

Big Business abandons California – Why? Money, duh! and their inability to keep it from the state…

 

Hollywood movies change course – Why? Superhero & Star Wars fatigue…

Superheroes

 

Hollywood executives change course – Why? #MeToo, Social Media Shaming and Prison Time…

 

The Wall gets built – Why? President Trump gets Wall – Democrats get DREAMers…

The Wall

 

Global Warming becomes a non-story – Why? It’s dying a Cold death already…

Frozen Dude

 

ISIS carries on – Why? Because young men get angry when there are too few romantic prospects…

 

Michelle Bachmann wins vacated Minn Senate seat – Why? No photos of her groping sleeping Playboy bunnies…

 

ESPN quits Sports for Politics – Why? Remember when MTV used to actually play music…

 

Europe reverses “Refugee” policy – Why? Self-preservation…

 

Iran Civil War continues – Why? Because nations ruled without the consent of the governed are doomed to fail..there will be blood..can you say Kim Jong Un, Nicholas Maduro or Bashar Al Assad?

 

Cleveland Browns win AFC North – Why? HaHa! You thought this was a serious post…

Cleveland Browns

 

NFL & NBA suffer declining viewership – Why? Sports fatigue..

 

The economy booms – Why? Regulations down. Taxes down. Demand up. Optimism up.

 

Have a Happy ThoughtMarauder New Year!!!!

 

**Originally Posted on 2 Jan 2018**

The LONG and (not) so short of It

Most of you don’t know this, but I’ve been WRESTLING with a BIG problem for many LONG – and I mean reeaallllyyy LONG years.

I’ve gone to GREAT LENGTHS to keep my disability HIDDEN, but it’s HARD to hide.

Sometimes it’s difficult to WRAP MY HANDS around the problem, and sometimes it’s really STRETCHED my patience (and my pants). Thankfully a few dear friends have helped keep me in the SWING of things but it hasn’t been easy. A lot of the time I feel like I’m barely keeping my HEAD off the ground.

My disability has made it HARD to run, and sitting on the toilet is a logistical nightmare.

Forget about kneeling!

I’ve finally been awarded a monthly disability stipend from the Government. I’d like to jump for joy, but, well, you know, that could be a problem..

Man on Pogo Stick

***FYI: My contribution to this story is, of course, Fake News, but this guys struggle is real..Holy pogo stick Batman***

http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-5199369/Man-worlds-largest-penis-registered-disabled.html

**Originally Posted on 21 Dec 2017**