Stoplight Zombies of the Digital Age

No..No..No..That’s not the name of a new Alternative Band

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Stoplight Zombies are an A.D.D-saturated, digitally re-mastered, new form of 21st century Life found everywhere on Earth (except perhaps the Australian Outback and the jungles of Africa).

Oops.

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These Digital Zombies have mutated to adapt to their environments – witness the Bar Zombies

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the Bro Zombies

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the Bra Zombies

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The Walking Zombies

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etc..etc..etc..

I could go on and on and on describing the many different adaptations of this new digitohominid, but there are way too many to list. I am limited to 100,000 words in this blog format.

Most of these mutants are relatively harmless. Sometimes they’ll spill a drink on themselves or walk face-first into a utility pole, but no one else suffers for their obliviosity.

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The Look of the Dead Fish: A Nick Alwaes Detective Novel by [Fountain, Jamie N]

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Not so with this digital dolt however. You know the one.

The STOPLIGHT ZOMBIE!!!

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Of course I don’t have to tell you about the Stoplight Zombies, because surprise surprise…………

YOU are one of THEM!!!

How do I know?

Easy..I was behind you at that stoplight this morning, so don’t try to deny it.

I saw your face in the reflection of your cellphone while you were power-scrolling through your Facebook and taking duckface selfies.

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You thought you could get away with it because you know this stoplight like the back of your hand. It’s a long one – almost two minutes. You always hope you don’t make this light because it gives you one more chance to get a good hit from that hand-held digital crackpipe..

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It felt good to escape from the world for just a minute or two, didn’t it?

You laughed at the pictures of Cats sitting in funny positions

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wondered whether you could pull off this recipe

then secretly hated yourself because you knew you couldn’t – and even if you did – it wouldn’t look anything like the video.

You quickly forgot about it because you read a very inspirational “You Go Grrrll!!” meme

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Then, just as you were preparing to see how many Likes you got from the selfie you took at the gym last night..HONKHONKHONKHONK..the guy behind you – it was ME – honks his horn and drags you right out of the Facebook vortex and back to reality.

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You dropped your phone in your lap, looked up and saw the light was green, wondered for a second how long it had been green, looked quickly in the rear view mirror to see if the person behind you was gonna go all road-rage on you and then hauled ass through the light.

You didn’t even care how many people didn’t make the light because of your inaction.

So thoughtless..

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I cursed you long after you were gone, even while I was stopped at the next stoplight checking my Instagram. My feed was packed with great content.

I had a total Phoner!

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..at least until the person in the car behind me honked their horn and killed my mojo.

I dropped my phone in my lap, looked up and saw the light was green, wondered for a second how long it had been green, looked quickly in the rear view mirror to see if the person behind me was gonna go all road-rage on me and then hauled ass through the light.

I didn’t even care how many people didn’t make the light because of my inaction.

I’m so thoughtless..

Because….

I’m a STOPLIGHT ZOMBIE TOO!!!

 

Here’s a fun little song parody for you to sing while you’re stuck at the next traffic light. Think Eleanor Rigby (righteous props to The Beatles) –

 

Ah, look at all the Stoplight Zombies

Ah, look at all the Stoplight Zombies

 

Digital Zombies, stare at their phones

while their stopped at the light

They know its not right

Checking their Facebook, until they hear

the loud sound of a horn

Were they watching Porn?

 

All the Stoplight Zombies

Where do they all come from?

All the Stoplight Zombies

Why can’t they move along?

 

Digital Zombies, tap out the words

Of dull Posts that no one will read

On their NewsFeed

Oh Shit it’s green now, you better wake up

And put your foot on the gas

You oblivious Ass!

 

All the Stoplight Zombies

Where do they all come from?

All the Stoplight Zombies

Why can’t they move along?

 

Ah, look at all the Stoplight Zombies

Ah, look at all the Stoplight Zombies

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The Ghost of Albert Henkelstam by [Fountain, Jamie N]

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The Space In-Between

Every now and then your favorite Working-Class Nero attempts to wrap his pea-sized brain around complex, super-scientific concepts in an effort to exercise the muscle between his ears.

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Usually without much success 🙁

Case in point – In the Post-Einsteinian world of Physics, Particle scientists have been operating under what’s known as the Standard Model of Subatomic Particles for many years. This Model, confirmed again and again through many years of SuperGeek level experiments, dictates the behavior of sub-atomic particles and explains how various particles – ghost neutrino’s, Higgs boson and others – attain their Mass.

My head hurts already but I’m gonna press on –

Now, according to the article above, scientists at the FermiLab in Chicago

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have confirmed the existence of Sterile Neutrino’s – sometimes called Ghost Neutrino’s. These particles pass through Matter without impacting it in any way. Hence the name.

So how do you confirm the existence of something that doesn’t exist?

Great question!

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The Look of the Dead Fish: A Nick Alwaes Detective Novel by [Fountain, Jamie N]

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You fire streams of various Neutrino’s at a sensitive Neutrino detector through an inhibitor – such as oil or water – to block radiation that may affect the results and then count the number of Neutrino’s that impact the detector.

DUH!

So how do you know how many Neutrino’s you should expect to count?

Another great question! Keep it up and you’ll earn an Honorary Doctorate from ThoughtMarauder University.

The Standard Model of Physics tells you how many, that’s how.

Now, what happens when you end up detecting way more Neutrino’s than Settled Science dictates you should count?

You end up potentially upending over 50 years of Settled Science!

Physicists speculate that currently identifiable Neutrino’s (of which there are 3 – electron, muon and tau) are “oscillating” into a heretofore unknown invisible (or Ghost) state and then returning again to a detectable state. This invisible Neutrinoistic state is the discovery – essentially proof that something can be something – and nothing – at the same time.

Kind of like my bank account –

If this discovery holds up (some scientists are questioning the methodology while others have been unable to duplicate the results) The Standard Model of Physics will be consigned to the dustbin of scientific history right next to the The Standard Model of Newtonian Physics.

Such is progress.

**FYI: In the time it’s taken you to read this article trillions of Neutrino’s have streamed past the space in between your eyes and the screen on which you’re reading it.

Go ahead – reach out and grab a handful.

Sometimes nothing is something..yet nothing AND something while still being –

Oh forget it..I need an aspirin..Paging Dr. Dolby..Paging Dr. Dolby

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The Ghost of Albert Henkelstam by [Fountain, Jamie N]

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Everybody was Cornhole Fighting…Those Hicks were Fast as Lightning…

 

I couldn’t watch this video without thinking of this classic song from 1974 by Carl Douglas entitled Kung Fu Fighting. Your favorite tonedeaf ThoughtMarauder has rearranged the lyrics to describe the unintentional hilarity above for your comic pleasure –

CornHole Fighting

Everybody was Cornhole fighting
Those hicks were fast as lightning
In fact it was a little bit frightening
But they fought with sloppy timing
They were chunky Georgia men from funky Douglas County
They were chopping them up and they were chopping them down
It’s an ancient RedNeck art and everybody knew their part
From a feint into a slip
and kicking from the hip
Everybody was Cornhole fighting
Those Hicks were fast as lightning
In fact it was a little bit frightening
But they fought with sloppy timing
There was flunky Billy Two-Chin and little Sammy Joe
He said here comes the big Hoss, let’s get it on
We took a bow and tossed that sand, started swinging with the hand
The sudden motion made me skip
now we’re into a brand knew trip
Everybody was Cornhole fighting
Those Hicks were fast as lightning
In fact it was a little bit frightening
But they did it with sloppy timing
Keep on, keep on, keep on, keep on
Everybody was Cornhole fighting
Those Hicks were fast as lightning
In fact it was a little bit frightening
Cornhole fighting, had to be fast as lightning

 

And as long as we’re on the subject of rampaging rednecks, let’s take a few minutes to reflect on the awesome firepower of The Kung-Fu Hillbilly..

 

Who says “Murican’s hain’t got no class..Hold my beer

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Frank Sinatra, the Greatest Voice of the 20th century, on stage with the undisputed King of Bossa Nova, Antonio Carlos Jobim, smoking cigarettes, impeccably attired in Tuxedo’s while softly crooning re-interpreted classics (I Concentrate on You) and the 2nd most recorded song in music history – The Girl from Ipanema.

Too Cool.

The only thing missing from this scene is a crystal Rocks glass with a splash of Jack Daniels waiting patiently on the table next to the ashtray.

Enjoy..

**Originally Posted on 22 Feb 2018**

Spread your Wings

What’s the toughest job in the world?

Lumberjack?
Stuntman?
Crab Fisherman?
Prison Guard?
Fireman?
Communication Tower Light Bulb changer? (watch this Youtube video of one of these guys in action – it’s guaranteed to make the bottom of your feet sweat..)

Those are all tough jobs to be sure. Much respect to all – but the toughest job in the world is –

Dream Chaser

Facebook is a popular place to find endless memes about the importance of following your dreams and how “you only live once” so “live the life you love” etc..etc..

But how many people are prepared to make the sacrifices necessary to achieve that dream.?

It’s not easy to quit the “job” you have. Fear of the unknown is much more powerful (for most people) than the adrenaline rush of living by your wits in unconditional pursuit of “the dream.”

How many are prepared to give up certainty for uncertainty? How many are prepared to trade in their car to ride the Bus? Trade in their smartphone for a flip-phone? Give up their Newports for an e-smoke? Choose Ramen and crackers over steak and potatoes?

I know a guy.

His name is Sammy.

Dig this obscure classic from the indispensable Freddie Mercury and Queen. It’s called “Spread Your Wings” and appears on the 1977 classic album News of The World (famous for We Are The Champions / We Will Rock You).

I could write pages and pages and pages about the greatness of Queen. From Freddie’s legendary voice to the singularly distinct sound of Brian May’s guitar – but not today.

Turn this up and enjoy!

**Originally Posted on 11 Jan 2018**

January is the longest year…

Here we are, mired in cold, dreary, unending Winter – black, grey and white soot-stained snow all around – with no warm end in sight.

The 31 days of January feel like a cosmic toll we must pay in order to enjoy the rest of the year (after mercifully short February disappears).

Can you say Cabin Fever?

Prisoners in our warm Winter spaces, it’s not uncommon to ponder our place in the world and marvel at how quickly time Rushes past us on the one hand, and how on the other hand – Time Stands Still.

This was the highest charting single from Rush’s 12th studio album “Hold Your Fire”

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in 1987. It peaked at Number #3 on the Billboard Hot 100.

FYI: Aimee Mann, lead singer of Til Tuesday,

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performs background vocals on the track. Interestingly, she was not the bands first – or even second choice – for the vocal role. They wanted Cyndi Lauper, but she was unavailable at the time, as was Chrissie Hynde of the Pretenders – so they “settled” for Ms. Mann, who it turns out may have been the perfect fit after all.

FYI part 2: This may be the worst video ever. Geddy Lee with a mullet (or some inexplicable hair style)..say no more

If you’re curious about whether Time Stands Still or not, watch this video explaining Einstein’s Special Theory of Relativity. You might want to sit down first ‘cuz your heads gonna spin..don’t say I didn’t warn ya’

https://futurism.com/understanding-space-time-spacetime/

 

**Originally Posted on 22 Jan 2018**

Slip Slidin’ Away

I saw a group of kids yesterday dressed up for the cold like the little brother in “A Christmas Story.”

Christmas Story Brother

They were dragging sleds and Flexible Flyers

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behind them headed toward the nearest downhill 45 degree angle they could find.

The phrase “Snow Fun” is an oxymoron in ThoughtMarauder world. I curse the snow and long for sandals.

But until the sun warms my face again, have fun “slip, slidin’ away.”

Initially recorded in 1975 for inclusion on the album “Still Crazy After All These Years,” Paul Simon decided to release it instead in 1977 on his “Greatest Hits” album.

The song reached Number #5 on the Billboard Hot 100 in 1977.

FYI: If the background harmonies sound familiar, that’s because The Oak Ridge Boys provided back-up vocals for this track. Kind of an odd marriage, huh?

 

**Originally Posted on 18 Jan 2018**

Poor Ed has EARectile Dysfunction

It’s not bad enough that Low-T Millenial soyboy Ed Sheeran writes songs that have bored millions of people all over the globe, now it turns out many of them aren’t even original:

http://www.showbiz411.com/2018/01/15/ed-sheerans-plagiarism-problems-are-getting-worse-latest-one-exposes-faith-hill-and-tim-mcgraw

I’ve been having this discussion a lot recently about how absolutely awful new music is today. From filth Rap to forgettable AutoTune vocals to pop music divas with voices indistinguishable from one another, modern music really is a barren wasteland (with a few rare exceptions). It’s no wonder there is such a proliferation of 80’s music channels and “classic music” channels on the radio. A lot of young people like listening to the music their parents grew up with.

How did we get to this place?

As you can imagine the ThoughtMarauder has a theory about how we ended up in this musical armageddon.

Every great song, every great hook, every musical theme and genre has been explored. The musical mine is tapped out. There are no more notes left in the sonic well.

What else is a young musician gonna create that hasn’t been created already?

Maybe someone will figure it out, but it doesn’t look like it’s gonna be Ed.

Here’s just a small sample of the greatest songs of the last 60 years that new artists are up against:

Blue Suede Shoes – Elvis Presley – 1956

Young Elvis
That’ll Be The Day – Buddy Holly – 1957
Only You – The Platters – 1955
She Loves You – The Beatles – 1963
Light My Fire – The Doors – 1967
Dock of the Bay – Otis Redding – 1968

Photo of Otis Redding
Mr Tamborine Man – The Byrds – 1965
Stairway To Heaven – Led Zeppelin – 1971
Hotel California – The Eagles – 1977
What’s Going On? – Marvin Gaye – 1971
American Pie – Don McLean – 1972
I Will Survive – Gloria Gaynor – 1978
Billie Jean – Michael Jackson – 1982
When Doves Cry – Prince – 1984
Don’t Stop Believing – Journey – 1981
Girls Just Wanna Have Fun – Cyndi Lauper – 1984

Cyndi-Lauper
Smells Like Teen Spirit – Nirvana – 1991
Waterfalls – TLC – 1994

TLC
U Cant Touch This – MC Hammer – 1990
Enter Sandman – Metallica – 1991

These are tough acts to follow!

**Originally Posted on 16 Jan 2018**

Summer in the City..Kinda

For the first time in over two weeks the temperature outside is over 32 degrees. Compared to 0 degrees it feels like “Summer in The City.”

Okay. Maybe not that hot…

This song reached Number #1 on the Billboard Hot 100 in August of 1966 and stayed there for 3 weeks.

It was the only song by The Lovin’ Spoonful to reach Number #1. “Daydream” and “Did You Ever Have To Make Up Your Mind” both came close, each topping out at #2.

The most notable member of the band, John Sebastian, is famous for writing and recording the theme song for the hit 1970’s sitcom, Welcome Back, Kotter. It reached Number #1 for him as a solo act in 1976.

Until tomorrow, Sweathogs!

**Originally Posted on 8 Jan 2018**

Ridin’ the Storm Out

Sometimes it just takes something as simple as an extended cold spell to unite all Americans. With over 90% of the country experiencing sub 32 degree temperatures, you might say we’re all “Ridin’ the Storm Out” together.

This classic REO Speedwagon song was written by the late Gary Richrath and was released on the album of the same name in 1973. He was inspired to write the song when he and the band were stranded in a bar somewhere in the Rocky Mountains after finishing a gig.

If you listen to the lyrics you’ll hear them refer to “a full moon night in the Rocky Mountain winter,” and “watchin’ the full moon crossing the Range.”

Ridin’ the Storm Out was the band’s 3rd album. They began recording the album with Kevin Cronin on Lead Vocals, but citing “creative differences” he left the band. Mike Murphy replaced him as the vocalist on the album and recorded the studio version of the song.

It wasn’t until 1978, when REO released “Live: You Get What You Play For”

You Get What You Play For

that the song really took off.

It is the ThoughtMarauder’s opinion that this Live album, along with “Frampton Comes Alive”

Frampton Comes Alive

and Led Zeppelin’s “The Song Remains The Same”

The Song Remains the Same

are three of the greatest Live albums of all time.

Please feel free to add your thoughts about the greatest “Live” albums ever in the comments section. Make sure you have this song cranked up while you do.

**Originally Posted on 5 Jan 2018**